We made it! Our grand moving plans did not go as...planned. Which is a nice way of saying that the poop hit the fan. Or the pee...? Too soon? Too far?

#memories

The irony of my last post being titled "I am fire" is not lost on me as I sit in discomfort while my...business feels like it is on fire.

Sometimes, Jesus lets you know that you are good and worthwhile by telling you and sometimes He shows you by allowing you to get a raging UTI and putting you out of commission.

We came back into town for a wedding this weekend and that wedding was amazing. I'll probably write a whole post about it. Right now when I try to talk about it I just cry, so that doesn't translate well into typed text.

And then on Sunday I started to feel crummy, but still invited some friends over to hang out for John's birthday. And then when they all arrived at my parent's house, I realized that I had peed in 5 minute increments for the past hour and that everything was terrible and everything hurt. BUT I couldn't be sick! There were people over! For John's birthday! And I had a flight to catch on Monday! So we could move to Denver!

But then my bladder freaked out so I informed our guests that I was sick and they could stay as long as they wanted in my parent's basement, and John and I went to the ER.

So now I am still at my parent's house (the guests have left by now) taking some crazy meds that make my pee orange and make me unable to drive or operate heavy machinery and my saintly husband is flying back to Berkeley (on his 25th birthday) sans wife to pack up the rest of our stuff.

But, praise Jesus Christ now and forever, our amazing friend Greg is flying back with him. He took off of work to go to Berkeley to help us pack and then drive 17hrs to get to Denver. What a man.

So in my mind I am a giant failure. I threw my husband a horrible birthday party which ended with us hanging out in the ER, I've abandoned him to deal with moving to a new state, and I'm stuck at home and unable to do anything but drink cranberry juice and pee.

All of those things are facts, but I am not a failure. People get sick. People have to cancel flights. People have to ask for help. Marriage is not a 50/50 trade and it is not a fair exchange. And neither is the love of Christ. He loves us at 1000% all the time and we rarely give Him the time of day. On Saturday we celebrated the marriage of two beautiful and holy people who know witness to us, in a tangible way, the love our God has for us. And in that beautiful moment I could see it so clearly; the quick loving glances, the hand squeezing, the way they looked at each other while dancing.

But I can also see it now; bedridden but receiving cute and encouraging texts from my husband, his strengthen in assuring me that everything will be okay, and how he doesn't think any less of me for being a human being and getting sick.

Jesus knows that we are fire and He also knows that we are children, babies even. We can nothing without Him and what little good we do can seem few and far between. But He loves us. Orange pee and all.

Happy Birthday, John. You are too kind and too good for this world, which is kind of the point. I love being married to you, you old man,

Except it doesn't rhyme. Apparently an "ode" is supposed to rhyme.

Regardless, moving forward!

I want to be fair to the Bay Area. I know there has been a lot of griping and complaining on this blog about Berkeley, this area, CA in general. So I want to clear the air. Yes, there are many things I dislike about the Bay Area (constant noise, way too effing expensive, crazy lifestyles, too much traffic) but there are a lot of things that I really do love about Berkeley: the weather, the perpetually ripe avocados, magnolia trees, hummingbirds, weird people to watch and meet, seeing the Bay from our rooftop.

But besides all of those perks, this has been an amazing school year and Berkeley has been an amazing place to live. This is the place where John has spent two incredibly challenging and rewarding years. This is the place where we began to fuse our lives together. This is the crazy city we began our lives as very poor and very unknowing newlyweds. We have seen the crazed and destructive lifestyles of those around us and have been able to (hopefully) focus on what our goals, dreams, priorities are.

The Bay Area is a weird mix of the poorest of the poor, some by choice and some by misfortunate, and some of the wealthiest people. There are students from the Midwest, students who have never been out of California, and students from (seemingly) almost every country.

I'm getting so nostalgic.

Our tiny apartment has taught me how to be neat and tidy, and strategic about how to put away things (aka throw everything under the bed). Our tiny kitchen has been the stage for some real cooking wonders and some really incredible flops. Our new apartment in CO has a washer and dryer in unit and, you guys I kid you not, sometimes the thought of that makes me tear up. No more walking across two parking lots and up four flights of stairs and praying for open machines! The things I am grateful for are truly ridiculous. We are going to have two closets. A full-size fridge.

But that has been part of the gift in Berkeley. I'm grateful for little things that I really should be grateful for.

I get to move with my husband to a new city and we both have jobs doing things we enjoy! #blessed

So thank you all for your kind texts and comments and calls. Berkeley has also been a crazy lonely place and it has meant so much to me to have people reach out. Even in the smallest of ways.

oooooooookay that's enough genuine emotion for awhile now. Wow, if you stuck around for the word-vomit-no-picture-post you are a real trooper.

You guys rock. Happy Monday

I'm a feeler. I think I've mentioned this before. There was a brief time in college when I convinced myself that I wasn't a crier or a feeler but that was a farce.

Here are some things that are causing me feelings this week!

//1//

Stinkin' Nike Commercial

This makes me cry. Sometimes just eye-tears that don't leave and (mostly) silent-slidey-face-tears.

//2//

Moving

The idea of moving, the prep for moving, other people talking about moving, all of it makes me cry. We are moving again in May and I'm a little unstable about it all. I'm very excited about it all, I'm excited to be in Denver, but the actually moving process, with the boxes and the packing and the lifting and the U-Hauling is not my favorite thing

//3//

Kittens inspired by Kittens

Sometimes I don't publish a blog entry because I'm worried it isn't the "right" kind of blog post. Like because it doesn't fit some kind of blog standard (that I've made up in my mind) that it isn't good enough to be published.

But then I remember that no one is paying me to write anything. And that this is my blog. And that the internet is full of all kinds of weird stuff. So I'm probably in the clear.

This realization, that I had while shampooing my hair, made me think about all the other ways I limit my skills, talents, goals, dreams, hobbies, etc. I love to doodle and draw but I stopped doing it because I thought it wasn't "good enough" to share with my husband, friends, family, etc. I like to play the ukulele but I decided that printing off chords from a website wasn't really "playing" and that I should give it up.

Lame. So lame!

This also comes at a time when I am job hunting (vom) and having a very difficult time figuring out what my occupational dreams are (Christmas tree farmer) and what kind of skills I have (pancakes, efficient packing, parallel parking).

It's exhausting to spend all day wrapped in negativity that is shrouded in "honesty" or "betterment" when all it really is is berating myself and ignoring the gifts that I have been given.

Of course, I would never tell someone else to quit a hobby they enjoy. My team calls me an instigator because when someone says they want to do something (write a book, make some art, go on a trip, learn a new skill, try a new food) I am the first to say, "do it!"

Jesus speaks in encouragement and affirmations and guidance and not in anxiety or fear or negativity.

Anyway, I don't know entirely what this means practically. Probably more blog posts. Probably different types of blog posts. Probably an etsy shop where I sell doodles or something. I don't know and that's okay!

I love you all. Hope that isn't weird. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comments and messages.

Happy Divine Mercy Sunday!

 It's Easter and He is risen. Let's just dive right in. This Easter hit me harder than any other Easter, maybe ever. I know that is a mighty claim but Holy Week hit me like a ton of bricks and celebrating the Vigil on Saturday set my weary heart free.

John and I have been in the "achieving" mode for NPF since we got married in November and so far we haven't gotten pregnant. Now, I know it's only been 5 months and that's not very long. I know that there is no real reason to be worried/frustrated/overwhelmed/fed-up etc. I know that lots of other married couples want babies too. I know that my cycle is normal and that "it's only a matter of time" (to quote many people). I know all of these things. But that doesn't make my disappointment disappear. It certainly lessens the severity of it, it certainly helps me to keep a rational mind-set, but pain is pain is pain. And I want to be able to articulate this on my blog so that (hopefully) years from now I can look back and remember that the first months of our marriage were amazing; good and bad.

Anyway, Holy Thursday came (and so did proof of  not pregnant me) and all of the feelings got me to. Like, my Myers-Briggs is probably just FFFF for Feeling Feeling Feeling Feeling.

I was rude and impatient with everyone, especially John, I was tired and mopey all day, I was constantly worrying about moving again and potentially finding a new job, I was frustrated and fed up with our moderately heretical services here (uuuuugggghhhhhhhhh) and I was just a little bit done.

But
But
But

Redemption is real. We went to a different parish for Easter Vigil to support our teammate's fiance as he entered the Church (!!!) and the Exsultet brought me to tears like it does every year.

I felt like literal human trash, a week's worth of failings and disappointments on my heart, but Jesus was there, Resurrected, for me.

Whew.

So here are some photo highlights.

(1) Sriracha and cilantro deviled eggs. Good. I didn't use a recipe, I just mixed until it tasted good. Sorry, y'all

(2) Stations of the Cross on Berkeley campus was beautiful.

(3) Vigil! A little sponsee and sponsor love from Peter and John, their arms are almost touching. I braided my hair into a crown and felt v. v. v. accomplished

(4) + (5) After Mass with our team at a bar. Feeling elated and blessed.

Hope your Easter was extraordinary! And it's not even done yet.